Jaffa Family: The word "NOT" was missing

After the Sucky September, it took a while for Doug and I to emotionally recover. The doctor said we could try to get pregnant again after 3 cycles, and at first we were impatient. My cycles have never been very consistent, and it took almost 2 months after the D&C for my first period. By the time we could start trying again, we (mostly I) weren't emotionally ready. I felt so betrayed by my body, "why couldn't it just do what it's supposed to?" We took this time to grow closer as a couple, taking a few little vacations and learning to be happy with what we had together. We got to a place where we were okay if it did end up just being us (no kids). It wasn't what we had dreamed of, but it was something we came to terms with. I think once we got to this point we were ready to try again.

This is where my pragmatic side kicked in. I thought, "I'd prefer to not be super pregnant during the hot summer months, and I'd prefer to not have the baby during cold and flu winter months." So I mapped out a calendar of the months it would be ideal to conceive. The earliest month was June (a March baby) and the latest was October (July baby), but I was willing to go as late as January (October baby).

We had also decided we wanted to try on our own for a while before going back to fertility treatments. The plan was to use the ovulation tests on our own, and go from there. Since it had taken so long to get pregnant before and my cycles were all over the place (32-50 days), I wanted to do kind of a trial month with the ovulation tests just to make sure I was ovulating again. I picked May to do the trial, since it was right before my planned conception months started. What was the chance of getting pregnant on the first shot anyway?

A pregnancy test should be pretty accurate 2 weeks after the positive ovulation test, which meant I could test on June 8th. I've never been very good at waiting until my expected period (I've lost count of how many pregnancy tests I've taken), so for kicks I took one on June 3rd. It was 5 days early, but that's the soonest the test said it would work. It came back negative. By this point I had learned to expect the negative result, so it wasn't much of a surprise. "Well, I guess there's always next month."

On June 5th as I was getting ready for work I started feeling a little queasy (like mild motion sickness) and the thought popped into my head, "hmmm, this is what it felt like when I was pregnant, weird." And as quickly as it came, the thought was gone and I moved on with my day. June 8th rolled around, and I thought, "What the heck, I'll take another test just to be sure." Sidenote: When we were doing the fertility treatments last year, Doug and I had a ritual. I would take the test and leave it on the bathroom counter, and he'd go in and look at the result before me. I thought about doing that again, but I really had to pee and I didn't want to wake him up for a negative result. But that's not the result I got.

I looked at the test in disbelief. Shouldn't there be the word "NOT" before the word "PREGNANT"? I don't know how long I stood there, mixed emotions is an understatement. Of course I'm happy. No I'm not. How did it happen so soon? First try? This is awesome. This is horrible, what if I miscarry again? I felt like crying out of sadness, but couldn't help smiling at the same time. Now I had to go and wake up Doug and show him.... He was happy, but had the same mixed emotions. It became real again. As much as we thought we were prepared or okay with living without kids, this test brought back the possibility. The possibility of finally getting what we dreamed and hoped for, or the possibility of going through hell again.

I'm going to try and quickly cram in the last 3 months in a large nutshell so this post doesn't go on forever. June: I called and made my fist prenatal appointment for July 23 (they want to see you at 10-12 weeks), but I was having some spotting so they had me come in to the lab for blood tests just to make sure my HCG was rising normally and they did an early ultrasound. They thought the baby measured a little small so I went in two weeks later for another ultrasound. At this one I measured about 7 weeks and I saw the heartbeat, so that was comforting. July: I guess that second ultrasound technically happened in July, it was right after we got back from our trip to Baltimore. The next few weeks I stressed out everyday because I was still spotting on and off. I freaked out the most in the few days leading up to my appointment, I was so worried it would go the same as last time - I'd get in there and find out the baby was gone. Thankfully it was good news, and I love my OB/GYN. She is one of those bubbly people who automatically puts you in a good mood, and she had obviously read my file and was super sensitive and understanding about my fears of miscarriage. We got to hear the heartbeat for the very first time ever. I thought it sounded like a train (chug-a-chug-a-chug-a), and we even saw the baby kick around and move. Both Doug and I were close to tears, but we held it together. I found out the reason for my spotting, a stupid cervical polyp. It's benign, but it will probably cause spotting the entire time and freak me out. August: The happy feeling of relief from my last appointment lasted about a week, and then I was back to stressing out. I knew that making it to 11 weeks was pretty good, and the chance of losing it was low, but I still stressed about it. I had my next appointment Aug. 20th, and in the days leading up to it, I was just as nervous as before. But that appointment went well. I didn't have an ultrasound (the next and last ultrasound will be Sept. 24th), instead my doctor used her doppler machine and she found the heartbeat pretty quick, much to my relief. That appointment was pretty quick, and I can breathe a little easier now that I'm in the second trimester.