Let's play catch up

Work:
Doug is still working in Salt Lake at the same job.  They recently put him on a new project that he really enjoys doing.  It's a lot of techy stuff that I don't fully understand, but whatever makes him happy.

I'm still at the same company, but I've changed positions.  Now I'm working in Production (instead of Customer Service/ Sales).  I like it a lot better.  I don't have any interaction with customers anymore (except when they ask me to help out in Order Entry), so my phone never rings.  I'm on the Production Coordination team, so we make sure that once Order Entry enters the orders they get submitted correctly to production and from that point we make sure they go where they're supposed to in production.  It's mostly data entry type stuff, so I'm right in my element.  I like to think I'm good at it, I've caught a lot of things that would have been done wrong and corrected them.  I should have my 90 day review soon, so we'll see if I get a raise as well.

My company has also moved to a new building.  It was a big deal.  The new building is in West Jordan, so it only takes me 20 minutes to get to and from work (even when I leave at 5 in the afternoon).  I'm happiest about that.  We were really anxious to get out of the old building, so everything wasn't completely ready when we first moved in.  It took a week for them to build our desks (for Production Coordination) so in the meantime they had the three of us set up on a small circle table.

This was my "desk" with about 4 inches to move my mouse.

Travel:

Doug found out about the Southwest Companion Pass, so basically when you have it, you buy a ticket and a "companion" can fly for free.  We got the Southwest credit card while they were doing a 50,000 point promotion, so we just needed 60,000 more points to get the pass.  To be honest, I don't know exactly how we did it because Doug handles all the money stuff, but we did (I'm sure he explained it all to me, but whatever).  So we have the pass for the rest of 2014 and all of 2015.  We already took a weekend trip (left Friday after work and got home Sunday night) to San Diego over Valentine's Day.  We're going to Los Angeles next weekend over Easter, and I think we're planning on San Diego again over Memorial Day weekend.  We're trying to focus on having fun for a while and enjoy the stage of life we're in right now.  Plus, we've wanted to travel more, and this makes it really affordable.

The Cats:

I'm sure you're all dying to know how the cats are doing, but were too embarrassed to ask.  Don't worry, I'll tell you.  They are doing great.  Pepper is getting a little chubby, but who doesn't love a fat cat?  Milo is the same as always, such a little menace sometimes - but too adorable to be mad at.  Here are some pictures:

I had to put my scones in the oven to cool, because he was too interested in them.

Playing with the Christmas present

They loved the toy mice they got. 

I don't even know what's going on here.

I forgot to put the twistie tie on the bread.

Typical nap time.

She keeps pulling the feathers out, and then Milo comes along and eats them.

Her favorite warm spot

Lizzie:

Yes, I get a whole section all about myself.  For Christmas, Doug bought me an exercise bike (I totally asked for it, it wasn't a subtle hint or anything).  Then in January my company started a Biggest Loser competition.  We all know how much Pecora's love a good competition, and the entry fee was only $10.  I also started doing Weight Watchers, because I wasn't doing very well on my own.  We just had the final weigh in this last Friday, and I won 3rd place!  I only started making it in the Top Ten in March, but I really kicked things up a notch to cinch it in the end.  First place won 50% of the jackpot, Second place got 30%, and Third got 20% which equaled $50!  I lost a total of 12.06% (First place lost over 13%).  I also started the Couch to 5k running program, and I hope to jalk (jog/walk) a 5k sometime this summer.  I really dislike running, but unfortunately it happens to be really good at helping me lose weight.  I hope that once I get my breathing technique down it won't be so bad, and maybe one of these days I won't have to use my inhaler!  But I have gotten to the point where I like exercising and miss it on the days I can't.  It feels good to take control and see results.

I misjudged some rain clouds and got soaked on a run.

Treated myself to a cat purse (it was on clearance).

The smallest strawberry I've ever gotten at Zupa's, next to the biggest one I've ever seen.

Sucky September Part I

Part I

To follow up on my last post, the second IUI did work.  Doug and I finally conceived.  We went back to the fertility clinic at 6 weeks (4 weeks after the IUI) and we got to see a heartbeat and a litty bitty spec they said was the fetus.  Needless to say, we were ecstatic.  After trying for so long, it was finally our turn.  At this point I had to find an OB/GYN to go to, so I called the local hospital (that I wanted to deliver at) and asked them for some names of doctors.  I found one, and made an appointment at about my 9 week mark.  Things were going good, I was nauseous and tired but that was the worst of it.

I went to my OB/GYN on Sept. 5th, for my first appointment.  We got to the point of the ultrasound, and that's when things took a turn for the worse.  The doctor was really quiet, but I could feel her moving the ultrasound thing all around so I wondered why it was taking her so long to find it.  After a minute or so she told me she couldn't find a heartbeat.  The baby measured 8 weeks 6 days, which is exactly where it should be.  But there was no heartbeat at all.  She told me she wanted to get a second opinion, just to be sure.  So she ordered an ultrasound from the hospital's imaging center that I went to the following day.  The diagnosis was the same.  Baby was 8 weeks 6 days, but no heart tone and no flutter where a heart should be.  The term is "missed miscarriage."

The doctor said we basically had 3 options.  

1.  Wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally.  It could take days or weeks for my body to realize the fetus is no longer viable, and it would abort on its own.

2.  Take a medication that induces contractions and forces the body to shed the uterine lining.

3.  Surgically remove the tissue with a D&C (dilation and curettage).

After getting the news, Doug and I were in complete shock.  We held out a little hope that maybe the machines just weren't picking it up, since it measured the right size.  We decided to wait a week and go back to check again.  So I made another appointment on Sept. 13th with my OB/GYN to do another ultrasound.  We figured that would give it a week to happen naturally (which was the option we were most in favor of).  When we went in for the next appointment, the tissue had already started to break down.  The baby was less formed and it was clear that it was really gone.

I decided that I didn't want to keep waiting.  I hated having this dead thing inside me, and not knowing when it would happen.  I still didn't want to do the D&C since there is a chance of scar tissue forming, making it harder to get pregnant in the future, and since my cervix has never been stretched out, the procedure could cause an incompetent cervix with future pregnancies.  I decided to take the medication.  The doctor said it would cause contractions about 4 hours after taking it.  I would take two doses of 800 mg 12 hours apart.  

I took the first dose on Sunday Sept. 15th and sure enough, 4 hours later it had kicked in, but not with contractions.  The drug is called Cytotec and its main use is to treat stomach ulcers, when taken at a low dose.  At higher doses it causes contractions in the uterus, leading to abortion if you're pregnant.  I read through the paperwork the pharmacy gave with the prescription to see what side effects there could be.  A major side effect is nausea and diarrhea.  And that's what I got.  It felt like having food poisoning.  I was miserable.  It started to wear off at about the 8 hour mark after taking the first dose.  I dreaded having to take it again in another 4 hours.  I started bleeding a little bit, but only enough to be considered "spotting".  By Tuesday, the spotting had almost stopped and I knew this dose didn't work.  I called my doctor, and she called in another dose to my pharmacy to have me take again on Wednesday.  Oh joy.  I took it again on Wednesday with the same results, no contractions, just food poisoning-like sickness.  By this time, I had had it.  Enough is enough.

I called my doctor again and we scheduled a D&C for Monday Sept. 22nd.  My mom took me to the hospital early that morning.  The worst part was getting the IV in my wrist.  Since I couldn't eat or drink anything from the night before, I was clearly dehydrated and they had a hard time finding a vein.  They put me under general anesthesia so it was just like taking a nap, except when I woke up I was very nauseous.  I guess I don't do well with anesthesia.  The doctor told my mom that there was a lot more tissue than she had expected, and I lost quite a bit of blood.  I can only imagine my face looked like a ghost, since I'm pale anyways blood loss and nausea really gave me that Snow White complexion - minus the ruby red lips, since mine where white as well.

Typically they have you stay in post-op for about an hour, where they give you juice and cookies (Lorna Doone - yum).  I really wasn't doing well, I didn't want to eat or drink anything.  They gave me a pill for the nausea about an hour in to the wait, and I went home about an hour and a half after that.  I spent the rest of the day on the couch, grateful that my mom is so sweet to wait on me and take care of me until Doug got home.  

I've felt the effects of the surgery, and up until today I haven't left the house or really gotten out of bed.  It left me feeling really weak, tired, and lightheaded.  Oh, and now I'm feeling the contractions/cramps if I forget to take pain medication.  I won't go into detail, but they didn't warn me of the nastiness post-D&C, eww.  I guess I can have spotting/bleeding for 5 days to 2 weeks after the surgery.  Then my normal period will probably be late, since I have to grow a brand new lining before I can shed it again.  The doctors have said we need to wait at least 3 cycles before trying to get pregnant again.  I'm grateful this part is finally done.  It's taken almost a month since the time we found out the baby was gone, and that whole time we were in a state of limbo because we couldn't move on just yet.  We're taking a vacation back to San Diego next week, and I think that will be a good fresh start to move forward.

Sucky September Part II

Part II

This post is just me whining and complaining about Part I.  I won't feel bad if this never gets read, but I'm hoping it will be a cathartic experience just to write it all down.

Since the beginning of the month, when we found out the baby was gone, a lot of emotions have surfaced.  Grief, denial, embarrassment, worry, doubt, anger, and a host of others.  The biggest question is "Why"?  Why, after all it took to even get pregnant did this happen to us?  Only about 20% of medically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage (more happen earlier, but happen so close to the time of a normal period, most people don't even know).  Based on my age and health, I only had about a 10-15% chance of miscarriage.  That means even worst case scenario, I had an 80% of a full term pregnancy.  About 1 in 5 couples suffer from infertility.  About 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Fate dealt us a bad hand.

I feel defeated.  I feel foolish for getting so excited.  Going through the infertility process tested what little faith I had.  This blow has effectively shattered it.  How can a God who bases His church on family and places so much emphasis on children, make it so difficult?  Women in The Church are raised to believe that motherhood is what we need to strive for.  It's ingrained as our identity.  Men have the priesthood, women can become mothers.  So not having children = no purpose or identity as a woman?  Why is this one, most basic thing being denied?

We had it, we were there, and He took it away.  I had no control over the chromosomal makeup of the child, but He did.  He could have let us conceive a normal child that would have made it, but instead we get the short-end of the stick, again.  There is nothing physically wrong with Doug or me, no medical reason we shouldn't already have two kids.  What more can we do?  We have done everything we can, it's in His hands.  And this is how He takes care of us.  Blessing in disguise?  It sounds like an overused cliche by now.  Can't I just get a blessing that looks, feels, and acts like a blessing?

I hate that people say, "You're young, you have plenty of time."  Or, "I know someone that has had multiple miscarriages, and it took them 8 years to have a baby.  So it could be worse."  I don't mean to downgrade other's trials, but just because someone else may have "had it harder" doesn't make my pain any less real.  My suffering any more bearable.  I'm ready to throw in the towel, waive the white flag, and admit defeat.  I don't want to "try" anymore.  If we got pregnant again, I'd be even more paranoid about miscarriage, and if it happened again the pain would be double.  It hurts less to be steadily sad, than to get excited and then have the drop of disappointment.  I'm done with the roller coaster of emotions.  If I just accept that having kids won't be a part of our family, I can move on and focus on other things.  I can get a career, and work in a job that makes me happy instead of working just to earn money.  We can plan trips to travel the world without worrying about making plans too far in advance and having to cancel because I'm pregnant.

I also hate the ambiguity of mourning a miscarriage.  Most people won't even know it happened, but you're dying inside.  You have to go on with life, and act like nothing happened unless you want to tell everyone you come in contact with about it.  The pregnancy wasn't something tangible, it was a line on a pee stick and a picture on a screen.  But the loss feels just as real as someone stealing our baby.  There are people all around you who continue to have normal pregnancies, and you have to smile and congratulate them.  Some of them know how lucky they are, others can't even fathom it.

I'm going to whip out my 5 year old vocabulary: Life is so unfair.  So much injustice, and I'm supposed to turn my frown upside down.  Grin and bear it.  Find a positive side.  Take this trial and become stronger from it.  Pray for comfort, since I can't pray to have my baby back I have to pray "for the strength to overcome."  Maybe one day I will, but that day is not today. <insert Lord of the Rings meme here>.  I'm bitter and angry, but those emotions fuel me so I have the strength to get out of bed in the morning.  I know I can't hold on to these feelings forever, it would drive a person mad.  But right now, it's all I can muster up.

Just so you know...

Someone told me I should talk more about the goings-on in my life because people want to know.  I don't know if it's humility or shyness, but I tend to doubt that others are really interested in what I'm doing.  But here it goes.

Something has been weighing on our minds for about a year and half now.  We decided we were ready to start our family.  We thought the hardest part would be deciding to stop birth control, and that once we stopped we would have a baby a year later.  Oh the naiveté.

We have "tried" for over 18 months on our own, with nothing.  Some months I was even 1-2 weeks late, still nothing.  All the while we are being bombarded with pregnancy announcements at church, on Facebook, at work, etc.  The hardest is having to hear about unplanned and unwanted pregnancies.  Wouldn't it be more fair to me and to those children to come to a family who is ready and waiting for them?  Rather than being seen as a "burden" in another family?

Last month we decided to seek medical help, to see if there was anything physically preventing pregnancy.  My blood tests came back normal, my HSG test showed no blockages, and Doug's test came back normal too.  They put me on a low dose of Clomid and after I got a positive ovulation test we went in for an IUI.  One week after the IUI, I went in for a Progesterone test and it came back at a high enough level to show that I had ovulated.  But the following week I still started my period. Again.  We are going to try the Clomid and IUI again this month.  And if it doesn't work we will go in for a follow up consultation with the doctor.

I guess the point of this post is to inform you of our situation.  We're not looking for pity, I'm aware a lot of people go through this same thing.  I just want people to understand.  I don't want people judging us based on our lack of children; thinking it is our choice.  We have bought nice things and go on vacations but we're not doing it instead of starting a family.  Sometimes a little retail therapy is what I need to keep my mind off the depressive state I'm in.  I dote on my cats and treat them like children, because they're all I've got.

I think part of the reason I've kept this to myself is that once I tell one person, the news will leak out just a little.  Then I would have to re-hash the whole story to every one, and that's just too hard.  It makes it too real once you say it out loud.  I really don't mind people knowing, I just don't want to be the one to say it.  I would appreciate and welcome thoughts and prayers on our behalf.  If you want to do extra prayers for twins (kill two birds with one stone), more power to you!

And the winner is....

It seems like quite a bit has happened in the last month, but in reality I guess it wasn't that much.

• I got a promotion at work.
• We went on a week-long vacation.

I've been at my company for about 1.5 years now, and the last 6 months or so I've just been entering orders for our Key Accounts.  I liked what I did, but I'm such a fast learner and so efficient, that after just a few months I had hit the ceiling and was as good as I was going to get at that position.  With no where else to improve (I really am that good), I asked my supervisor about moving in to a different position.  Just so happens, there was a Sales Support position that needed to be filled, and I was a great candidate for the job.  I'll basically be the support to our sales rep on our National Accounts team.  She travels a lot, so I'm the one at the office who can take care of things (quotes, sample requests, etc) while she's gone (or if she's really busy in the office too).  There may be some opportunity for me to travel a bit as well if I want to.  The main difference between Sales and Customer Service is that Sales fosters relationships with certain accounts, and we handle all the high quantity (5,000 pieces+) and Import/Custom items.  I hear it's a new challenge adventure everyday.  I'm still in training, but I'm excited to learn something new.

Now, on to our vacation.  We rented a condo in Oceanside for a week.  I would definitely do that again, over staying in a hotel.  The condos tend to be closer to the beach (this one was a 30 second walk) and they're really not much more expensive.  Plus, we had a fully functioning kitchen so we didn't have to eat out for every meal.  Our main attraction to San Diego is their Zoo.  We've been to it 2 times before this, and just love the layout and the animals they have there.  It's not a zoo I'd like to to go with kids, there are a lot of hills, but for just us it's great.  We actually bought a membership there, they have one available for people out of state.  We would only need to visit one more time in the next year to get more than our money's worth.  The membership also includes the Safari Park - which is more African Safari-like.

The main highlights at the zoo were the babies.  They have a baby Panda bear (about a year old), baby giraffe (it was only 3 days old), and a baby koala bear.  We also got to see the "Enrichment" for their jaguars.  They have 3, a mom and her two 1-year old cubs.  They put all the jaguars away and a keeper came out and put beef heart and ribs all over their enclosure.  You could hear the male cub growling to be let out because he knew what was coming.  As soon as they opened the door, he lept out and was an orange blur while he ran around collecting all the goodies.  It was really fun to see.

The main attraction at the Safari Park is their train ride thing.  They have a huge (acres) enclosure where they keep a lot of African animals together.  Rhinos, water buffalo, gazelle, giraffes, and antelope.  The train takes you on a tour around the whole thing.  Then the rest of the park has other exhibits, elephants, lions, cheetahs, etc.

We didn't do Sea World this time.  We went last year, and honestly we weren't impressed.  It felt so commercialized and more like an amusement park.  Everything costs money except for the couple shows, and those are the same every year.

Here are a couple of pictures from the zoos. Enjoy!

This is at the Safari Park, I don't think I've ever been this close to a lion.

Also at the Safari Park - This is a Lorakeet.  There was an enclosure with a whole bunch of them that would sit on you.

The baby giraffe is a little hard to see.  She likes to stay right next to her momma.

Baby Koala hitching a ride.

I'm still here

Hello Friends,
I have not fallen off the face of the earth, but I did forget about this blog...  I think the issue is so many of the things I would blog about are too personal (for little miss introvert), ranting about people who could find this blog (and then little miss introvert would be unemployed), or about my cats (I love a good cat post as much as the next person, but I know when enough is enough).

Safe topics:

Over New Year's Doug and I went and saw Les Miserables in the theater.  He wasn't too sure about it, but I convinced him it would be good.  It was good, but ... we were sitting in front of a young woman who thought she needed to sing along with all the songs (I guess in case we couldn't hear all the lyrics in the dolby surround sound theater <insert sarcasm here>).  It's a sad movie, but it's tragic to sit through someone sobbing (blubbering, snotty, watery sobbing) each time a beloved character dies (which is all the time).  So, to my delight, Doug bought the movie recently.  We have been able to enjoy it in the privacy of our own home and it has quickly become a favorite of mine.

I recently went to the doctor to get medication for my asthma.  In case you didn't see my Facebook rant, the visit didn't end well (on my part).  I told him that I needed an inhaler for my asthma because I've been trying to exercise more (to lose some weight), but when I exercise I have asthma attacks.  He took this as an opportunity to tell me (in great detail) how I'm headed down the road to diabetes and numerous health problems.  "Did I know he was a nutritionist, and he has written many books on the topic? That he has a radio talk show on Sunday afternoons, and nutrition classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays?  Or that I can pay him $30 for a one-on-one consultation with him?"  Nope, just a sad coincidence that I picked his name on a list of doctors in Network.  He laid out an elaborate diet and supplement plan to get me back on the straight an narrow (pun intended, get it?).  He also suggested I have my blood tested, for diabetes, thyroid, etc.
Fast forward to a week later when I went back for the test results.  Oh my, I'm completely normal, healthy as a horse, and he could scarcely contain his shock.  Good news is I got the inhaler, it has 5 refills before I have to put up with another doctor (I won't be going back to this one).

I'm currently teaching the 11 year olds in Primary at church.  I miss my 8 year olds, they didn't play with their cell phones (yes 11 year olds with cell phones), they were excited to look up scriptures in their new scriptures, and I had a semblance of authority.  11 year olds are hooligans, twelve 11 year olds just isn't fair.  I look forward to holiday weekends because most of the "problem children" go out of town. (Is that bad? Yeah, it's bad).  I guess there could be worse callings, but I've always thought I would be a good librarian.  "How many copies?" "I can put those pictures away." "Here, let me roll the television to your class for you." I'm a natural.

Doug and I are planning a vacation to San Diego in May.  I'm uber excited.  We rented a condo on the beach for a week, and we plan on going to the San Diego Zoo (again, it's my favorite).  They have a new Koala exhibit that's supposed to open in May, I hope we get to see it.

That's all I've got for now. I may or may not post again in the next 6 months.

Kitty Post- Pun intended

We have been in our new house for almost a month, and I think we have broken it in.  We realized the second bathroom waterlines were switched.  So when you turned on the "cold" water it was actually hot, and vice versa.  I called Dave (the builder/realtor guy) and he got a plumber over here.  Luckily it was just the sink and shower that were switched.  The plumber said it would be a lot harder to fix if the toilet was wrong too.  We found ants roaming around when we first moved in, but we put some poison out and haven't seen too many since.  We also had to take the doorknob off the master bathroom and switch it with the cat's room.  This house has the lever handles, and it only took Milo a couple of days before he was up to his old tricks.  If you don't know what I'm talking about check out this post and this post.  Other than that, I think this place is perfect....

A couple of weeks ago when we were grocery shopping I was bagging our food (Winco) and saw these paper bags.  I thought, "Hmm, bet the cats would like playing in these for a day."  So I grabbed them.  I was right.  I put their toys in the bags, and they loved crawling in and attacking them.  Milo also liked sitting inside waiting to ambush Pepper as she walked by.

At work they found a litter of kittens in the warehouse.  There were 5, but one was dead.  There was a white, orange, gray, and black one left.  We called animal control to come pick them up, we couldn't find the mom.  Until AC showed up we held them to keep them warm.  But let's be honest, it was also because they were so stinkin' cute.  I'm guessing they were only a few days old because their eyes were still closed and they still had their umbilical cords, but they looked like they had been eating and had round tummies.  Animal control told us they would take them, and foster them, but if any of us wanted one we could just call.  I think one girl from work will definitely take the gray one, and another girl has the black one already.  Doug said we could take one, but our HOA only allows 2 pets.  So we would have to get rid of one (Pepper most likely), and that would be too hard.  Even though Pepper can be a little beast sometimes, Milo sure loves her.

I got to hold this one, and named it Salt :)

We also bought another scratching post.  (Get the pun now?)  I wanted one downstairs to discourage Pepper from scratching my couch.  We saw them at Costco (love that store!) a few months ago for $80!  Unless you have shopped for scratching posts that may seem pricey.  But tall ones at pet stores and even online go for at least $100-140.  We didn't buy it at the time because we were just getting ready to move, and didn't want to have to move one more thing.  Then when we got into our place they weren't at Costco anymore.  Well, I'm happy to announce on Monday when we went to Costco to just buy cheese (and only cheese) the posts were back.  I didn't want to chance them not being there another time, so we bought one.  So now I have it in my living room, and love it.  They have completely left my couch alone.  I think they prefer to sleep up high and observe us lowly humans at eye level. 

They fight over who gets the top.

But when Pepper is up there, Milo will attack her tail unless it's tucked in.

Milo is King.