The Month of Fives

I say month of fives because on the 5th Katelyn turned 5 months old, and on the 11th I ran a 5k with her in the stroller.  Here are her stats:

• *Unofficial weight 13.4 lbs, height 24 inches. 
• Still eating anywhere from 4-7 oz every 3 hours.  Since returning from San Diego it took a while for her to get back into eating as much as before.
• I've noticed she gets sleepy 1.5 hours after she started eating, and when she gets fussiest it's because she's tired.  Even if it's time to eat, if she's tired she would rather have her pacifier than food.
• We started trying to give her solids.  She doesn't quite have the motion down, she just spits or lets the food run out of her mouth.  I think she's also unsure about the taste.  So far we've only tried rice cereal and green beans.
• She can hold her head up very steady now, and I don't use the carseat in the stroller anymore.
• When she's on her tummy she will prop her chest up, and she can turn back onto her back fairly easily.
• I have gotten her to laugh a few times (a real hearty laugh).  Mostly with her owl toy (her favorite at the moment) or at night when I'm getting her ready for her bath she's very giggly.
• She has learned how to spit and it's a favorite pass time.
• She's beginning to get hand-eye coordination.  She reaches for toys with both hands and when she gets them they go straight to her mouth.
• She has started to really notice the cats and will get excited when they walk by her.  The cats still couldn't care less about her, except Milo is always on the prowl to steal her pacifier.
• I've packed up all of her 3 month sized clothes.  She must've gone through a major growth spurt, because one week they fit just fine and the next week they were very snug (and I didn't want to stretch them out).  Her 6 month sized clothes are fitting perfectly at the moment, but if she goes through another spurt she might have to jump to the 9 months.
• I've noticed that she prefers toys that have faces, or at least eyes.  Her favorites are an owl, frog, and monkey.
• She did better on the plane to Chicago than I expected.  She was really fussy in the airport, so I was very anxious, but as soon as we got on the plane she fell asleep.  She woke up about an hour in to the flight, and got cranky for 15 minutes or so, but then fell back to sleep.  On the way home it was a late flight (9 pm) and she slept the entire time.  I think it helped that the night flight was dark and quiet. 

It's been a pretty good month.  She is learning and growing so fast.  I notice new things almost daily and I think, "Was she doing this yesterday? I don't think she was."  Her personality is starting to bud, and I think she's going to be a handful.  She's already testing limits with a kind of fake cry when I leave the room.  She still likes going for walks (but not when it's super hot outside, learned that the hard way), and will usually just fall asleep.  That's one of the reasons I was able to do a 5k, going on walks was good for both of us and I thought it would be fun to put my endurance to the test.  This was the first 5k I've ever done (besides the Kimber Fun Run in Grouse Creek), so I chose one more focused on fun rather than serious speed.  I did the FroYo run around Liberty Park, I finished in 41 minutes, 305th place overall and 33rd in my age division.  The best part?  Frozen yogurt at the finish line.  I'm looking in to doing another race at the end of August, 5k Cake Walk.  At the halfway point you stuff your face with cupcakes, and for every cupcake you eat they will deduct 1 minute from your finish time.  That's my kind of race.

We enjoyed watching Shark Week.

She was asleep the whole time.

That's me!

First time "eating" (i.e. tasting) rice cereal

Not a fan.

She likes sitting in the chair to watch me make breakfast.

Hippest baby out on our walks.

I have the cutest boy, er, girl.

Proof she is getting ready to crawl.

When she was fussy on the plane Daddy let her watch soccer.

Catching a nap in the hotel.  She sleeps like this a lot.

Meeting cousin for the first time.

Happy Independence Day

Meeting ALL the cousins

All the grandkids, Grandma, and Great-Grandma

Baby cousins were not in the mood for a photo op

The perks of being mobile, you can leave when you want.

Katelyn has some chunk on her, but hard to believe they're 2.5 months apart.

4 Months Old!

It's that time of the month again, ready for an update?

• Weight 12.13 lbs (16%) Length 23.62" (23%) Head 15.4" (5%)
• She still fits in some 3 month sized clothes (mostly the Carter's brand).  But we've been introducing some 3-6 month outfits as well.  We also just bumped up to the size 2 diapers.
• Her feeding routine got a little messed up on the vacation, but it's still about every 3 hours, and anywhere from 3-8 oz.
• Officially rolled over on May 27th (from back to belly, still hasn't gotten from belly to back)
• She "talks" pretty frequently, sometimes it's happy noises and other times it sounds like she's upset (but she's not).  She's also learning volume, her squeaks can get pretty loud.  Unfortunately she's camera shy, as soon as I pull out my phone to get a video of her talking, she clams up.
• On her play mat the little monkey is her favorite toy.  She'll stare at it and recently has been grabbing it and trying to put it in her mouth.
• She's starting to pay more attention to all toys in general, and kinda reaches/wiggles her hands around until she grabs one.
• She's still sleeping through the night, some nights (especially on vacation) she'd wake up and need her pacifier, but overall she does really well.
• She prefers laying on the floor most of the time, either with the hanging toys, or just looking at people (or the tv.... oops!)
• She did really well on the car ride to California.  As soon as we'd get on the freeway she'd fall asleep, and stay asleep until we stopped.

The vacation was really nice.  We rented a condo that was just minutes from the beach.  (I highly recommend it).  Mom drove down with us (thanks again!) and then she flew home on Thursday and Doug's parents got in on Thursday afternoon.  We went with mom to the San Diego Zoo, it was perfect weather.  Slightly overcast and like 67 degrees.  Katelyn looked at some of the animals, but she likes to fall asleep on stroller rides.  With Doug's parents we went to the Safari Park and it was really hot, so Katelyn got kinda cranky.  I think her favorite part of the vacation was getting to spend time with the grandparents and daddy, and going to the aquarium (Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach).  I think the aquarium was my favorite too, since it was the easiest place to take her, and the marine wildlife is pretty cool.  It turns out that Doug's company is implementing 4 weeks of paternity leave as of June 1... but if you've had a baby within the last year, you'll still get it!  So now we need to plan another vacation before K's birthday.

Just after 3 months old, she likes looking at books.

Happy baby in submarine jammies.

San Diego Zoo

Grizzlies

Brand new giraffe baby.

New jaguar baby. Sleeping, not dead.

Enjoying the zoo (with her monkey pal)

Her beach attire (I don't care if she looks like a boy if it protects her from the sun).  Besides, people comment that she's a cute little boy.

How she spent her time at the beach.

Pit stop at the Safari Park.

Kinda baby lions playing with a clump of grass.

It was already getting hot at the Safari Park.

Baby gorilla (lotsa babies).

Had to wear her sharky shirt to the aquarium.

The aquarium was a hit, she loved the lights and fishes.

Happy 4 months, kid.

I think this is the first time her toes have been in grass.

Good Night, Sleep Tight

Guys, it's already been another month!  It feels like I was just writing her 2 month stats yesterday.  Here we go.

• Unofficial weight and height, 9.6 lbs and 23.5" long
• Still fitting in the 3 month clothes, some are still a little big, but she fits most of them pretty well.  I expect her to fit in them for at least another month before we have to move on.
• The hair on the top of her head is growing so she's like a little chia pet.  The sides and back need to catch up.
• She's officially sleeping through the night!  If I feed and put her down at 7-8 pm she will sleep until at least 6 am the next morning.  Sometimes she wakes up in the middle, but if I give her back her pacifier she will sleep again.  She did this all herself, so hopefully I don't have to sleep-train too much later on.  Fingers crossed.
• She's awake most of the day, with a nap after her first morning meal, and another nap in the early afternoon.  She's doing better at staying content when she is awake, so I'm able to do things like eat, clean, and blog.
• She's still eating about every 3 hours during the day, and the amount varies from 2-7 oz.  She'll eat a lot when she first wakes up and then another big one in the afternoon, but the other feedings are hit or miss.  (It's so fun pouring 4 oz down the drain because she decided to only eat 1 that time....  But then 2 hours later she's hungry and will eat 6 oz.)(And lest you say, "Just make a little at a time," we've tried that, but once we take the bottle away to fill up or burp her, she doesn't want to eat anymore even if she only ate 2 oz.)
• She's become a drooling machine.  I almost wonder if she started teething, because for a while she was running a mild fever and was fussy.  No sign of little teefies yet though.
• She smiles more readily and it seems she tries to imitate my sounds when I coo back at her.
• She loves it when I sing Yankee Doodle or She'll be Comin' Round the Mountain while I pump her legs like she's riding a horse.
• Her favorite songs are Soft Kitty, the ABC's in French, and You Are My Sunshine
• She's getting interested in looking at books, especially the ones with really bright colors.
• Getting close to rolling over, she'll get up on one side but gets stuck on her elbow.  She almost has full control holding her head up.  Most of the time it's steady, but once in a while her head flops forward.
• We just got a play mat with the things that hang down so she has something to look at (other than the "spirits" on the ceiling.  You know, the ones who make her smile and laugh for no reason... creeps me out.)  She is fascinated with the elephant that plays music.

Things are going smoothly.  She's a lot less colicky now, if she gets fussy it's usually because she's tired or bored.  She typically doesn't like tummy time, so one day when she was starting to get fussy I figured I'd give her tummy time, if she was going to fuss anyways.  And what do you know?  30 seconds in and she fell fast asleep.  It doesn't work all the time, but often enough.  I think I've really gotten to the point where I can say I truly love being a mom.  Those first 12 weeks were rough for a lot of reasons.  She would cry so much or intensely and it would give me anxiety.  My heart rate would rise and it stressed me out so much.  And when they're that new they don't have much of a personality (at least that I could tell), so it's hard to enjoy such a demanding little creature when they don't give much back.  Sure there are moments when she's all cuddly and cute, but moments are just moments and they're hard to recall while you're having an anxiety attack.  But now we have a happy momma and happy baby.  It helps that I'm finally getting a full night's sleep on a regular basis, and I have time to make better meals (you know, more than a poptart and a can of coke for breakfast).

We went outside to take these pictures

I'm glad she likes to sleep through church, for now.

All ready to go out for a ride in the car.

A "good" breakfast, Scrambled Petes

Her eyelash progression.

Got some hats from Gymboree for our upcoming trip to San Diego.  This one is size 0-3 months...

Her favorite book right now, it has a popup rainbow at the end that she loves.

This is as far as she can roll over, but then she does break dance moves and spins around in a circle.

Both sides of infertility

 In the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought I'd add my infertility story to the masses just in case there's someone out there who needs to read it.

Doug and I decided I'd stop taking the birth control pill after we had been married for a year.  We both had one year left of college, but we calculated if we got pregnant that September I wouldn't have the baby until we were graduated.  Perfect.

My periods got kinda weird after I stopped birth control.  By weird, I mean super long cycles.  At first it was like 40 something days.  Which was the biggest emotional roller coaster.  "My period is a week late, I must be pregnant."  But negative test after negative test told a different story.  I remember praying, "Please Heavenly Father if I'm not pregnant please just make my period start so I can stop hoping."  This went on for a few months and then my cycles got a little more regular, around 32-35 days.  Since we were still in school we decided to stop "trying" and just let it happen if it happened.  It didn't.

Over the next few years we had months of "trying" and months where we just left it up to chance.  It seemed like on the months where we timed it just right (I had books about fertility, ovulation, etc etc) my periods were late.  Cue emotional roller coaster again.  I don't know how many pregnancy tests I've taken in my life, boxes and boxes.  Only to have them all come up negative and my period start a few days later.  We'd take a few months off to get our heads back to a better place, go on vacations and focus on our marriage before starting to "try" again.

During this time it seemed like everyone and their dog was pregnant.  We moved a couple times, and in every new ward you get the same questions.  "How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?"  I know they're well-meaning, and they just want to get to know me.  But it still hurt.  And infertility isn't something you bring up when you first meet a stranger.  "No, I don't have kids.  We've been having sex very regularly especially around the time of ovulation, but it's just not working.  Please give me some advice."  (Can you just imagine the look on people's faces?!)  The very WORST was when they'd follow up with, "Well, do you plan on (do you want) kids?"  Now you're stepping into the realm of It's-None-Of-Your-Business and balancing on the cliff of Don't-Even-Go-There.  I started answering the kids question with, "I have 2 cats and they are my babies."  Usually people would stop right there with an, "Oh, that's nice dear."

Here is what I wish people would ask instead if they're trying to get to know someone new.  "Where did you move from?  What does your husband do?  What do you like to do for fun?  Is there anything you need help with?"  These are very safe questions, and if someone does have kids they can bring it up on their own.  "We love going to the zoo, our kids love seeing the elephants."  Or, "It's been so hard trying to unpack with my kids running around, do you know someone who likes to babysit?"  And if they don't bring it up, then DON'T ask.

Fast forward to 2013.  One of my friends from college opened up about her infertility and started a blog about it.  She mentioned how they were seeing a fertility specialist and it made me think that maybe it was time to get things checked out.  Luckily for us we had a killer health insurance plan that would offset the cost if we used a "preferred provider" (a clinic with a high pregnancy rate, but low multiples).  We did all the initial tests to find out what was causing the infertility.  All the tests came back normal.  "Unexplained infertility," meaning there's no medical reason we shouldn't be getting pregnant.  So we started with Clomid and IUI.  The first round didn't work, but on the second month we got pregnant!  It was the very first time I've ever seen a positive pregnancy test in person.  It was amazing.  (And yes, we immediately went and bought several different brands of tests just to make sure it wasn't a fluke).  Sadly, just 3 weeks after seeing a tiny heartbeat through an ultrasound, there wasn't a heartbeat anymore.  We lost the baby we had worked so hard and waited so long for.  You can read the full story here.  To recap really quick, I went in for my first prenatal appointment with my OB/GYN at 9 weeks, and she couldn't find a heartbeat.  We waited a week and went in again and the baby was the same size as before and still no heartbeat.  I went through hell to try and induce the miscarriage with medication since it wasn't happening on its own and waiting was the worst part.  I ended up having a D&C because the medication didn't really work.  The miscarriage broke me.  It was like all the months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests combined into one colossal punch to the gut.  You can read my feelings on this post.

So after all that, we took a long break.  At some points I was done trying, why keep testing Fate?  Obviously we weren't meant to have children. But there was still that childless empty hole in my life, so May 2014 we decided to give it a go again on our own, without fertility treatments.  We hardly dared to hope it would work, but two weeks after a positive ovulation test we got another positive test.  I was apprehensive and scared to show it to my husband because it was a double-ended sword.  It meant we could truly finally have what we wanted, or send us back through the depths of despair with another miscarriage.  I'm happy to say that we welcomed our beautiful daughter into our family in February 2015.

Now the shoe is on the other foot, I'm finally a mother and it's everything I ever wanted plus more.  Being on this side of infertility there are a few things I wish I could go back and say to my infertile self.  Mainly, to cut pregnant girls and mothers some serious slack.  I did my best to not complain about my pregnancy (I always hated hearing ladies complain about how uncomfortable and sick they were.  Didn't they know some people are spending thousands of dollars for the opportunity to feel that way?).  But let's get real here, pregnancy and motherhood are not easy and it can bring out the worst in even the very nicest people.  I had a relatively easy pregnancy compared to some others, but there's nothing that could have prepared me for the hormonal monster inside me.  I consciously tried to be positive and happy, I wanted this, right?  But sleepless nights of heartburn and endless days of nausea will wear anyone down, and sometimes you just need to complain and hear some sympathy.  It's the same being a new mom.  I was once a rational and even-tempered adult woman, but now I find myself getting upset over my screaming baby because she's crying for no apparent reason, even though I know she's not doing it to purposely get on my nerves.  Hours and hours of crying.  It's enough to turn anyone crazy, and I'd be lying if I didn't say in those moments I think back to my infertile self and wish to be that person again, just for a split second.  But complaining doesn't necessarily mean you regret getting pregnant or having a baby, or that you're ungrateful, it just means that it is HARD, even if you hoped and prayed for years for it to happen, it is still HARD.  And those mothers who are trying to give you, the infertile one, comfort by saying things like, "You're lucky you can sleep, go on dates with your husband, travel," etc etc.  It's because there are parts of them that envy you and your freedom.  They don't understand that downplaying the joys of parenthood hurts as much as being overtly insensitive by saying things like, "Oh, being a mother is the best thing in life."  So even though you'd give anything to have kids and it hurts to hear others complain about it, you need to be sensitive to them because you don't know exactly what they're going through.  Just like they don't know the hurt and longing you feel to be a parent.

What I wish my infertile self understood the most was the need to find things to be happy about in that stage of life.  Some couples will wait 5, 8, 10 years to have a child, and some will never get that opportunity, but they're not doomed to a life of gloom.  The best we can do is to find things that can bring us joy and happiness now and stop playing the I'll-Finally-Be-Happy-When... game.  It's work to find things to be happy about, especially when infertility is so depressing and it feels like there's an empty black hole inside where your kids should be.  But the thing about black holes is that they will suck everything up into oblivion.  It's easy to get caught up in that, it's a lot harder to fight it and still find things that bring you real joy.  I'm not talking about finding fun things to distract you from the hurt, because that won't last long.  I mean real joy, if that's pursuing a career (or a different career), or volunteering, or developing new talents, whatever it is, find it.

So to those who are fighting the fight, keep your chin up.  I know your pain and disappointment, it hurts, it's unfair, it can be utter hell.  It's okay to feel sad, upset, and bitter, but it's also okay to let yourself be happy too.  You deserve to be happy.

2 Months and Giggles

Another month has come and gone.  I'm amazed at how much Katelyn changes in even just a week.  Here are some key developments:

• Her stats: 9.26 lbs (13%), 21.65" (22%), head 14.6" (9%)
• She's fitting in the 0-3 month clothes really well, but the Carter's brand 3 month size is still a little too big.  The size 1 Huggies are starting to fit better too, she has really chunky thighs but a little waist, so it's hard to get them on tight.
• She smiles and giggles a lot more and will try to imitate you sticking out your tongue.
• She's eating just formula now, and eats 2-4 oz every 3-4 hours.
• She slept for over 10 hours two nights in a row! Too bad that didn't last long, now she's back to around 5 hours for the night.
• Her eyelashes have gone from blonde to brown and I'm pretty sure they've gotten longer too.
• She love love loves baths!  Sometimes that's the only way I can get her to stop crying at night.  The minute she even hears the water running she'll calm down.
• She is still a little colicky, some days are better than others.  The worst day I remember was almost nonstop crying from 1-9 pm, but most days it's closer to just a couple hours.
• She's getting close to rolling over, sometimes she'll sleep on her side.  She's also getting close to being able to hold her head up, I guess that tummy time is paying off.
• We like going for walks in the stroller.  Katelyn likes being outside and moving, and will usually fall asleep, and I like getting outside and exercising, and having her fall asleep.
• The cats are starting to show a little more interest in her, but for the most part they leave her alone.  Pepper does get concerned when Kate's crying really hard and will come over to investigate.

We finally got a motorized swing, a baby monitor, and a rocking chair.  The swing works great at keeping her in a good mood, but it won't calm her down if she's already crying.  It's nice finally having a monitor so she can sleep in her crib at night and I can hear her crying loud enough to wake up.  It's just a cheap monitor that my friend gave me, but it works great for my needs and Doug doesn't have to worry about it getting hacked.  We got the rocking chair at Shopko (I'm surprised Shopkos are even still around) and it's so nice.  It makes the mid-night feedings a lot more comfortable, I find myself falling asleep while I burp her.

Doug gave her a sweet blessing on March 29th.  One of my favorite parts was that she'll look out for others with a kind heart and be a good example of Christ.  It was so nice that Doug's brothers and both of our dads were able to be there in the circle.  She has so many people who love her and good examples to follow.  Doug had to leave for New York that night after the blessing.  I think I did well taking care of her on my own for a few days.  I guess it helped that Mom came over almost every night....

I need some crackers for all this cheese.

This is a Wubbanub, it's supposed to help keep the pacifier in place, I'm still on the fence about its effectiveness, but it's sure cute.

Her very first Nikes

Pepper wanted to go to New York with Doug.

Kate's blessing outfit.  I found the dress at Macy's for $20, the rest were pieces I already had.

She's happiest when she first wakes up.

2 months down, a lifetime to go.

Where did time go?

I can't believe it's been a month already.  Sometimes it feels a lot longer than that, and other days it feels like we just brought her home.  Here are the highlights of the past month:

• Weight: About 8.5 lbs, Length: About 19"
• She's mostly outgrown newborn clothes now, and the 0-3 month clothes are fitting a little better (Some brands fit better than others. I've noticed Old Navy, Children's Place, and Garanimals run slightly smaller and the Carter's brand, especially the one from Kohl's, is a little larger.)
• She eats up to 4 oz of breastmilk every 3 hours, and at night 3 oz of formula will last her 4-5 hours.
• She likes: Baths, cuddles with daddy, car rides, and tummy time.
• She dislikes: Cold wipes, mom picking her boogers, kitties licking her toes, and getting dressed.
• My wedding ring fits again! I don't think I've worn it since November.  Still working on getting in to my pre-pregnancy jeans, but I have lost 30 of the 38 lbs. I haven't really done any dieting or exercising, so I'm hoping once I get the all clear from my doctor I can get everything back to normal.

It looks like she's smiling, but I won't count it until she smiles in response to someone smiling at her.

And here is a video of her getting the hiccups during the photo shoot.